Ego – Always On the Move
Did you know that every single day your ego (our sense of self) lives and moves through different states of being? Weird, right? It was actually Canadian Psychiatrist Dr. Eric Berne who first suggested this concept in the 1950s. He called it Transactional Analysis. The sparks note version is this: your ego is in a constant state of motion, bouncing between three key versions of itself. Firstly, the parent ego state. Secondly, the adult ego state, and thirdly the child ego state. What contributes to this ego fluctuation any given day? Dr. Berne believed that it is primarily our social interactions with others that impacts our ego state. In essence, anyone that comes in contact with us in life has the potential to snap us in and out of any one of these states.
Real Life Example
In an ideal world, healthy individuals spend a lot of their time in the adult ego state. BUT, it’s impossible to stay there. Life doesn’t allow us to fully stay in our present, grounded self. Imagine you’re working at the office one day and you’re finishing up a large project. You feel proud about it, and you feel like you’ve done great work. Your boss comes over and starts criticizing it. Bam! Your ego can’t help but to feel threatened, and you lose your ability to stay in the adult ego state. Where have you gone? Likely, somewhere up or down the ego ladder. In this example, maybe you move into the child ego state where you remember being criticized at an early age. In fact, it’s not just remembering but it’s actually living that child self all over. Your ego literally becomes your 5 or 6 year old self again. The criticism at work reminds you of what it felt like to be criticized early on in your life. Or, maybe in this scenario you jump up the ladder to the critical parent voice, where you now criticize yourself (as the parent would) and you become that critical voice itself. Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I’m sounding just like my mom!”? Maybe you’ve jumped into the parent ego state.
Child Ego State
Our body, nervous system, and psyche remembers what it felt like being a child. Usually, these memories are stored in us from very early ages (1-10 years old). We all have a mix of pleasant and unpleasant memories, and sometimes the unpleasant ones stick out. Nobody really gets through childhood totally unscathed. As we move into adulthood we forget consciously about those memories and we tend to feel we’ve moved on. Part of growing up is moving beyond the child right? It’s not that simple… The way our psyche and nervous system work, those memories are encoded in us. As soon as we encounter something that triggers those feelings again, we snap back into the person we were when we were young. This is the child ego state. Think about your adult life for a second. Think about times where you were terrified, angry, sad, lost. Sit with those feelings for a second… you may find they remind you of times long ago when you were a smaller, more innocent version of You. In transactional analysis, we can get knocked back into two versions of the child ego state. Firstly, the natural child. This child is pure. It is innocence, creativity, joy, and wonder. This is who we are the moment we are born. The second version is the adapted child. The adapted child is who we become when the world, our parents, friends, and forces break down that natural child’s innocence. When we think about our ego, it’s important to know: are we moving down into a natural child state, or our adapted child state? Which voice serves us better in our life?
Parent Ego State
It’s often said we become our parents. While that isn’t the full picture, it’s part of it. Our experiences with our primary caregivers shape our psyche and nervous system greatly. Often, so much so that we become (partly) that person ourselves. The adult ego state speaks to that within us. Often, the voice in our head, that is ego, resembles our parent’s voice. It’s not always just parents, it could be grandparents, caregivers, teachers, etc. Anyone that had authority over, or impact on us. When we snap into the parent ego state there are also two versions. Firstly, the critical parent. This is the voice of that person in your life that told you to do better, that you weren’t enough, that you should be this or do that. This voice comes up in our life more than we like to admit. Watch for moments when someone in your day throws you into the critical parent ego state, and watch what language you use in your head about them and about yourself. The second option is the nurturing parent. This voice resembles the caregiver that soothed you, told you that you were enough, that everything would be ok. For some who are struggling with mental health, this voice might be quiet. Listen for it when you are able to, as it is usually a much kinder voice.
Adult Ego State
The adult ego state is likely where we want to be. This person is rational, objective, calm, and present. Two people who are communicating well, and are not throwing each other off into their respective ego lands, will likely both be operating in the adult ego state. Adult ego, as the name implies, is our grown-up self that encompasses maturity and wisdom. In many ways, this is our truest self because it is not influenced by our parents or our childhood experiences. Notice in conversation times where you feel calm and can think clearly and objectively. Also, notice times where you are talking and you are out of your head and focused on the present, on your senses, and on the person you are talking to.
Why Does This All Matter?
Oftentimes when we speak about the people in our lives, we tend to blame them. They made me angry, they criticized my work, they are out to get me. Transactional analysis reminds us that our feelings are ours to own. Our emotions come from our past and are usually based on our own experiences, with our own filters. When we recognize the triggers that move us into different ego states, we can learn to calm, regulate, and control ourselves so that we stay in adult ego land. Even better, we can recognize when we throw somebody else into a different ego state! This helps us empathize with the people in our lives. Awareness is the first step. Be aware of yourself and what is going on inside.
How Can Psychotherapy And Counselling Help?
Therapy can help with understanding this process in you! Exploring one’s childhood and attachment frameworks can help you understand which ego voices are speaking to you at any given time. Therapy can also help to teach you calming and regulation techniques so you stay grounded in the present self. By exploring these different ego states in therapy, we can help you identify which voice is talking at any given moment of your life. This can lead to healthier relationships and interactions with others, and most importantly, and healthier interaction with the Self. If you want to learn more, check out how individual therapy can help you.
